Here’s something I finally
figured out – Wanting to quit drinking, smoking, and
being fat and out of shape doesn’t help at all.
Not a bit.
As a school counselor, I have met with hundreds of students
who aren’t doing well in school along with their parents.
During those meeting, the sullen student often sits and says
nothing. The common response to any question or comment is
a sarcastic glance at the parents or an absolute refusal to
respond at all. For nearly three decades, I told the parents
that we could do nothing to help their child unless he or
she had some “want to.” At least a tiny bit of
“want to” on the student’s part was necessary
for us to do anything at all for them to improve their academic
life. Six years after my last
drink I realized I’d been using the wrong word for
three decades. I know now that there’s a huge difference
between “want to” and “willingness,’
and willingness is the key to change. The difference may
seem subtle. It’s not. Pay close attention to this.
It is a very big deal.
Everybody wants to get better –
even that kid in our meetings. Once the parents, teachers,
and principals are gone, even the most sullen, passive-aggressive
student eventually admits to wanting to do better. The “want
to” is just under the surface, hidden by resentment,
fear, and guilt. The student doesn’t lack “want
to.” She lacks the willingness to do what it takes
to change.
For twenty-five years, I wanted to quit drinking alcohol,
quit smoking cigarettes, lose weight, and get in shape.
I knew the first step had to be to quit drinking alcohol,
so I woke up day after day saying to myself, “Today’s
a new day ….” I rarely finished the sentence,
but the end was “. . .to quit drinking alcohol.”
Then, each afternoon I would come home, fill the glass with
ice and vodka, and keep doing that all evening. I had plenty
of “want to.” Tons of it. I wasn’t faking
or kidding myself. I really did want to change. Didn’t
matter, though. I didn’t have the “willingness”
to do what it took to act on the “want to.”
I am constantly involved in conversations that make it clear
people want to lose weight. Many are obsessed with the desire.
Yet, when leaving the buffet table, their plates are overflowing.
The “want to” is no problem whatsoever for them.
It’s there in abundance. The willingness to pass on
the buffet layout and eat the 250-calorie Lean Cuisine dinner
instead is what’s missing.
In short, wanting to do something has no meaning in real
life whatsoever. In fact, "wanting to" might be
counterproductive. It makes us feel like we’re doing
something when we’re not. We feel better because at
least we have the desire to change. The “want to”
allows us to fool ourselves.
“Willingness” is quite a different thing. “Willingness”
means we’re ready to take action and we do it. When
I was on the way to the treatment center that August morning
years ago, I said to myself, “Ed, do whatever they
tell you to do.” The treatment center personnel were
the experts at getting people sober—I surely wasn’t.
The willingness to take direction from those in the know
was critical to my sobriety. My willingness to take the
suggestions to stay sober from other alcoholics with long
time sobriety has kept me from drinking alcohol again. My
“willingness” to apply those principles to quitting
smoking, losing weight, and having a physically healthy
body has been critical in being successful in those efforts.
I wanted to get better for years and years and years. Big
hairy deal. Nothing happened until I had the willingness
to change my behavior, whether I wanted to or not.
Other people can help me get the “want to.”
When I read about the awful outcome alcoholics always face
eventually, that added to my “want to.” When
I talked to a person who was dealing with diabetes due to
their life choices that helped me want to change my eating
and exercise habits. When smokers I knew died of lung cancer
or heart disease, that pushed my “want to” up
a notch. My “want to” was often created by other
people’s experiences.
None of that added at all to my willingness.
Willingness is an intensely personal thing that has to come
totally from within. How do we come to have the willingness
that’s critical for change and improvement? I wish
I could pass along an easy answer. For most of us, it comes
when we hit some kind of bottom. For some though, the willingness
comes about due to careful self-examination, being honest
with ourselves, and an ability to make difficult choices
and stick to it.
So, you might be asking, if willingness is key, and I have
to find the willingness myself, why am I reading this? Here’s
why – the alternative to not having the willingness
to change is a miserable life and early death. Maybe you’re
at your bottom and these words will solidify your willingness.
Or, maybe you’re not ready now, but when you are,
you’ll remember this website, return here, and read
it again. Perhaps it’ll add to your willingness.
At the very least, you’ll know it’s possible
to get better. That’s far better than nothing.
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